life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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