I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
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Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
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