:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize
