so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
