The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
