First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Randomize
