i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
