Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
