There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
