$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
and you fell through a lawn chair
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
