I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I woke up under a house in Key West
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
