we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
