I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
