He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I just want to make out with him forever
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Randomize
