there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I love having hate sex.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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