Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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