Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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