I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
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