I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
