woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Every concussion has its silver lining
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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