I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
