I haven't been this sober since birth.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
