the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
