with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
