I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
