Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
