I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
