He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
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