My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
