I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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