I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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