i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
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