is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
