if i can run in heels then i can drive
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
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