that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
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Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
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you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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