1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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