hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
