i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
i've created a new STD.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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