I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
