don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
