i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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