i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
