I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
