i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
