ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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