Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
this boner is exhausting
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
