he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
sarcasm needs its own font
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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