$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
