Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
