I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
