If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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