Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
