he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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