Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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