Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
