Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Drunk is not a location!
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
