god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
