You're a womanizer and a bitch.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
