How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
