Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
