so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
