the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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