I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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