what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Randomize
