hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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